A Thanksgiving Debacle or A Lesson in Change Management

Thursday was Thanksgiving for those of us in the United States.  In grade school we learn that the first Thanksgiving occurred between the Pilgrims and the American Indians, giving thanks for a successful harvest.  As adults, we celebrate and look forward to seeing family and friends and remember what we are thankful for. 

Traditionally, most of us celebrate around a big dinner that involves cooking a turkey.  Having a turkey on Thanksgiving is a tradition for my family.  Four years ago, I told my mom that I wanted to have Thanksgiving.  She responded with excitement, that she would not have to labor over such a meal.  However, as we got closer to the actual day tension grew between my mom and me.  You see, I told her that I was going to cook the turkey a little different than she had cooked the turkey for the past 32 years.  I wanted to try something different I saw on the Food Network.  My mom’s response to my actions of cooking the turkey different from her method was negative.  She immediately thought I was insulting her past thanksgiving meals. 

I tried to explain to her that the chef on TV said that this will produce a juicy turkey.  (That did not help my side of this debate.)  Her response was, “What, my turkey is always dry?  I did not know you hated my turkey?”  I never said her turkey was dry or that I did not like it.  I just wanted to try something new.  The debate went on and on for the entire week leading up to what I thought was going to be the Great Thanksgiving Debacle of 2008. 

However, that day finally arrived.  I cooked the bird the way I wanted, and never mentioned again how I cooked it.  When we all sat down to eat dinner my mom said it was the juiciest turkey she had ever had.  And I graciously said “Thank you.”  And to this day I do not discuss how I cook my turkey.  

My mom’s reaction to the change is quite normal.  Resistance to change is when someone perceives change as a threat to them.  The key words are ‘perceive’ and threat.”  The threat need not be real or large for resistance to change.  Resistance may take many forms, including active or passive, overt or covert, individual or organized, aggressive or timid.

What happens when you are in the middle of a conversation or meeting and someone speaks out against the change? 

The natural tendency of many people is to respond immediately, perhaps butting in or cutting the other person short.  But think how this appears to other people? The message being sent is 'public disagreement is not allowed'. A likely effect is that the person resisting now has the sympathy of others (and may recruit the others to their cause).  So the very first thing is to bite your lip, hold your tongue and count to three. Take a moment to pause and assess the situation. What are others doing? Is the person speaking cautious or bold? What does the body language tell you?

The next step is to listen carefully not only to what they are saying but also to how they are saying it. Listen for the deeper messages between the lines. Listen to their fears, hopes and ambitions. Hear the tensions and emotions. Notice how they are coping.  You can also draw out further information, tipping the bucket to ensure you have the whole story. Use appropriate questioning techniques to learn more.

Make your initial response one that empathizes with their position. Show first that you understand (even though you may not agree) and respect their right to voice an honest opinion.

Before you open your mouth, think hard about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Done wrong, a response will show your empathy to be false and may cause a bitter backlash.

Respond in a way that offers the other person a dignified way out. Seek win-win. Use their language. Reframe their position to show a bigger picture.

Remember, the only person who likes change is a baby in a wet diaper!  

Grandpa and Golf

My maternal grandfather turns 84 today.  His name is John Carr, everyone calls him Jake and all my cousins call him pap-pap or pap, but I call him grandpa.  I am sure he wishes he could be on the golf course today.  He had two full time jobs all his life, he was a Pittsburgh City Firefighter for Engine 13 and he worked on the Monongahela Connecting Rail Road.  On the rail road he traveled across the Monongahela River from Hazelwood right over the Hot Metal Bridge to South Side for J&L Steel.  Even with two jobs, he always had time for golf.

Grandpa working with my husband on his swing.

My grandpa loves golf so much; he constantly watches it on TV, (he was watching golf in Australia last night when we talked on the phone).  He wore a hole in my grandma’s carpet from practicing his golf swing so much.  He walked the golf course everyday just to hang out and talk about golf.  His 4 hole-in-one golf balls are still proudly displayed.  His passion for golf runs so deep, that although he cannot golf anymore, he still takes any opportunity he has to give his sons and grandsons, and his only grandson-in-law advice on their swing.  I am sure my grandma would be able to tell you how many lamps, mirrors and other items were hit by a golf ball over the years. My grandpa says, “Golf is the greatest tranquilizer in the world.” 

I am the first grandchild and when I was a kid, grandpa used to give out dollars for making putting shots in the living room.  You would think that in all these years I would have developed a similar passion for golf or at least be a fantastic miniature golfer.  Neither is true.  However, observing my dad, brothers, uncles, cousins and husband play golf I did pick up on some ideas about golf that have a lot in common with leadership.

I believe to be a golfer you need to have passion for the sport.  I mean why else would you walk around in the sun carrying heavy clubs chasing a little white ball?  Every golfer I know, practices his or her golf swing.  With or without a club even.  As I mentioned, grandpa wore a hole in the carpet from practicing his golf swing.  “I loved to practice,” said grandpa, “The more you practice the luckier you get.” (Maybe that is why grandma never had any knick knacks around the house?)  Leaders have a passion to develop themselves and to develop others.

This passion can create frustration.  I do not know the difference between an eagle or a bogey but I do know that you want to be close to par if not under it.  And sometimes, no matter how much a golfer perfects his swing, there is a chance his ball is going to be in the sand or water.  This desire to change, inspire, and impassion can deliver amazing results one day only to bring dismal results the next in leadership.

But when that little dimpled white ball lands in the sand or water, does a golfer give up?  No he doesn’t.  He uses a different club and adjusts his swing.  So when a leader ends up with dismal results, they approach the problem with a different style.  Determination is required for both.  Golfers never seem to give up.  They even play in the rain!  Strong leaders, however, push through the difficulties and drive results, exceeding expectations with flying colors.

Jon and Grandpa

And when a golfer finally gets the ball in the hole, there is a reality check when he pulls out that score card and pencils in the amount of attempts he made getting there.  Does he count that lost ball?  How about that extra swing in the sand?  It might only be one little point but it takes honesty.  Leadership requires a lot of honesty.  When a leader has made a mistake the most important thing a leader can do is to own up to his/her mistake.

Like I said I have never golfed, but I know when all the guys come back from the family golf outing they all have smiles and laugh…even when they played in too much sand.  My grandpa is always smiling. Golfers have to be positive all the time.  No one wants to be around someone who is miserable or belittles them.  Leaders should be the ‘beacon of light’ everyone wants to be around.  Leaders make everyone believe that they matter and that they can tackle anything. 

So I am sure if you asked my grandpa on how to keep your ball out of the trees he would tell you to quit aiming for the trees.  But all in all golfers know even at their worse day on the golf course they got to enjoy camaraderie, hopefully beautiful sunshine, and a soft wind whistling through the trees. “When I golfed I would feel so good.  I would just look at the beautiful grass, trees and lakes and think, Oh My Goodness what magnificence!  Everything was beautiful!” grandpa told me. 

Me with my Grandpa 

So as you can see, I do not know how to golf, but in my family you are bound to pick up the lingo.  And even though I never got the hang of the sport, I am so lucky to have learned so much from grandpa through the sport.

Jon and Grandpa

When your leader fails

In the recent past, we’ve witnessed the public downfall of leaders from almost every area of endeavor — business, politics, religion, and sports. One day they’re on top of the heap, the next, the heap’s on top of them.

A leader’s credibility is the result of two aspects: what he or she does (competency) and who he or she is (character). A discrepancy between these two aspects creates an integrity problem.

The highest principle of leadership is integrity. When integrity ceases to be a leader’s top priority, when a compromise of ethics is rationalized away as necessary for the “greater good,” when achieving results becomes more important than the means to their achievement — that is the moment when a leader steps onto the slippery slope of failure.

When your leader has crept his way into compromise it can bring on a lot of emotions. 

Your belief in him or her was not necessarily wrong. Often, when a leader falls from their position, those who followed him or her feel duped, setup or foolish.

You are not expected to (nor should you) take personal responsibility for them. When we choose to follow a leader, we choose to invest in their leadership. As a result, we may begin to feel like we are responsible to defend, excuse, or speak for them, taking on their fall to the point where it effects us, personally. Though we can offer our support through love and grace, it is not healthy to, in any way, own their actions.

Your response will determine your future. Because the position of a leader elicits respect, we are influenced by their actions. For a time, this may mean that we become stagnant or discouraged, doubting our ability to make wise choices or follow trustworthy leaders. But our ability to thrive depends on what we choose next. No matter who we follow that has fallen, we have the ability to move forward, choosing well for ourselves in the future.

'Enough' is just not "Good Enough"

My second blog post as the Pilot International Leadership Coordinator was about Integrity.  Integrity was then followed by Character.  There are so many important qualities of a Leader but I believe you are not a Leader if you do not have Character and Integrity.  I have also written and spoke of not accepting ‘status quo.’  ‘Not accepting mediocrity’.  A true Remarkable Leader knows the difference between ‘good enough’ and the ‘right thing to do.’  I read the Sandusky Grand Jury Presentment in full.  I cried.  I was sick in my stomach.  I did not get much sleep last night.  This morning I debated over the idea of posting about this matter; however, Joe Paterno’s action in 2002 is a great example of what a leader should not do.  To me, he is a Leader of Penn State.  He preached on Integrity.  Millions loved him.  In 2002 he came to a crossroads in his career and he chose to comprise his Integrity. 

Joe Paterno’s supporters argue that he did the right thing by reporting the matter up the ladder of college officials; personally I think that matter is ridiculous.  I am no Penn State fan; but I know there is no one up the ladder higher than Joe Paterno. 

He claims he has done enough.  Do you think Victim 2 in the Sandusky Grand Jury Presentment agrees he did enough?  How about the Grad Student who was the witness, who is now a coach; was it enough that he reported to Joe Paterno?  Some say yes.  I say no.  A Remarkable Leader, would have taken charge of the situation, called the police, made sure that boy was ok and would have done more.  A Remarkable Leader’s Integrity and Character would not be satisfied with passing the buck. 

State Attorney General Linda Kelly said Monday that Paterno met his legal obligations by reporting the incident to Curley and Schultz. But what about his moral obligation?

"This is not a case about football," Pennsylvania state police commissioner Frank Noonan said Monday afternoon. "It is not a case about universities. It is a case about children, who have had their innocence stolen from them in a culture that did nothing to stop it or prevent it from happening to others."

Noonan is right.

As a Leader, you can risk your own success or your own fortune, but you cannot risk your Integrity, it takes Character to keep your Integrity.  Every path leads to a crossroads of character or compromise. 

In the past I have joked about Joe Paterno.  It was a football rivalry action.  I had always respected the fact he has won more college football games than any other coach, in fact, he just celebrated his 409^th win.  It is sad he decided meeting his legal obligation was good enough.

Generosity

“When your hand is open to give, it is open to receive.”  That is how I responded when I was 17 years old about my volunteering experience.  Now, 19 years later, I still say the statement; but it means more than just volunteering to me.  Nothing can compare to the generosity of the leader.  And I am not talking about monetary generosity.  True generosity comes from the heart and reflects every aspect of life: time, talents, and possessions. 

Check presentation to the
Young Women's Breast Cancer Awareness Foundation.
Pictured left to right, Sherri Lynn Dunik, Jennifer Kehm and Jake Vogel

I recently had the opportunity to raise funds for another non-profit, benefiting women right here in Pittsburgh.  The Young Women’s Breast Cancer Awareness Foundation (YWBCAF).  Many organizations support women going through breast cancer treatment, but there is too little support, information, and awareness for young women who have breast cancer.  Eleven years ago, Jennifer Kehm was diagnosed with breast cancer.  When she went to a support group “There was a room full of older women, but I had 3 young children and my youngest was one years old,” she said as she explained how she started the foundation.  YWBCAF was started for women like her to be able to support each other. 

Generosity is more than giving money.  It is adding value to others, giving time, pouring your life into others, helping those who cannot help you or give you something in return.  Put people first.  The measure of a leader is not in the number who serve him but in the number he serves.  

Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919) was one of Pittsburgh's most famous citizens. In 1889, he wrote an essay called “Gospel of Wealth.”  In the essay, he wrote that the life of a wealthy person should have two periods; a time to acquiring wealth and one of redistributing it.  Carnegie stressed on the importance of recirculation of money in the society and that giving away money to charitable organization is not enough. Carnegie put his philosophy into practice through a program of gifts to endow public libraries, known as 'Carnegie libraries'.   Carnegie funded the construction of libraries in working-class communities so people would have the chance to read, to learn, and to improve their lives through education.

Who comes to mind when you think of generosity? Jennifer Kehm has been giving her support to women for eleven years.  Andrew Carnegie built South Side’s library in 1909, as one of the first libraries in the Pittsburgh’s Library system, generations have enjoyed this library for 102 years.  Both Jennifer and Andrew gave from the heart.  Both have added value to others.  Both have helped other who have not been able to help in return. 

Are you a generous leader?  Do you continually look for ways to add value to others?  Are you helping those who cannot help you or give you anything in return?    

Improve your generosity today!  Give something away- find something you truly value and think of someone you care about who could benefit from it.  Put your money to work- if you know someone with a vision to do something really great, something that will positively impact the lives of others, provide the resources to accomplish it.  Or find someone to mentor- the most valuable thing you have to give is yourself.