A Thanksgiving Debacle or A Lesson in Change Management

Thursday was Thanksgiving for those of us in the United States.  In grade school we learn that the first Thanksgiving occurred between the Pilgrims and the American Indians, giving thanks for a successful harvest.  As adults, we celebrate and look forward to seeing family and friends and remember what we are thankful for. 

Traditionally, most of us celebrate around a big dinner that involves cooking a turkey.  Having a turkey on Thanksgiving is a tradition for my family.  Four years ago, I told my mom that I wanted to have Thanksgiving.  She responded with excitement, that she would not have to labor over such a meal.  However, as we got closer to the actual day tension grew between my mom and me.  You see, I told her that I was going to cook the turkey a little different than she had cooked the turkey for the past 32 years.  I wanted to try something different I saw on the Food Network.  My mom’s response to my actions of cooking the turkey different from her method was negative.  She immediately thought I was insulting her past thanksgiving meals. 

I tried to explain to her that the chef on TV said that this will produce a juicy turkey.  (That did not help my side of this debate.)  Her response was, “What, my turkey is always dry?  I did not know you hated my turkey?”  I never said her turkey was dry or that I did not like it.  I just wanted to try something new.  The debate went on and on for the entire week leading up to what I thought was going to be the Great Thanksgiving Debacle of 2008. 

However, that day finally arrived.  I cooked the bird the way I wanted, and never mentioned again how I cooked it.  When we all sat down to eat dinner my mom said it was the juiciest turkey she had ever had.  And I graciously said “Thank you.”  And to this day I do not discuss how I cook my turkey.  

My mom’s reaction to the change is quite normal.  Resistance to change is when someone perceives change as a threat to them.  The key words are ‘perceive’ and threat.”  The threat need not be real or large for resistance to change.  Resistance may take many forms, including active or passive, overt or covert, individual or organized, aggressive or timid.

What happens when you are in the middle of a conversation or meeting and someone speaks out against the change? 

The natural tendency of many people is to respond immediately, perhaps butting in or cutting the other person short.  But think how this appears to other people? The message being sent is 'public disagreement is not allowed'. A likely effect is that the person resisting now has the sympathy of others (and may recruit the others to their cause).  So the very first thing is to bite your lip, hold your tongue and count to three. Take a moment to pause and assess the situation. What are others doing? Is the person speaking cautious or bold? What does the body language tell you?

The next step is to listen carefully not only to what they are saying but also to how they are saying it. Listen for the deeper messages between the lines. Listen to their fears, hopes and ambitions. Hear the tensions and emotions. Notice how they are coping.  You can also draw out further information, tipping the bucket to ensure you have the whole story. Use appropriate questioning techniques to learn more.

Make your initial response one that empathizes with their position. Show first that you understand (even though you may not agree) and respect their right to voice an honest opinion.

Before you open your mouth, think hard about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Done wrong, a response will show your empathy to be false and may cause a bitter backlash.

Respond in a way that offers the other person a dignified way out. Seek win-win. Use their language. Reframe their position to show a bigger picture.

Remember, the only person who likes change is a baby in a wet diaper!